Noises in the Bedroom
by sinemoras09
Summary: Temari is too nosy for her own good. Gaara x Hinata. Crack.


**_Author's Note_**_: I wrote this after reading Aubade by Lotos-Eater (www dot fanfiction dot net/s/4647952/1/Aubade) __. Her fic is obviously WAY better than mine, so you should probably just skip this altogether and read hers. LOL. Apologies for the copious amounts of crack; it had to be done._

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Sex between Hyuuga Hinata and Gaara wasn't something Temari particularly liked to think about. In her mind, Gaara was firmly in the "asexual" category, alongside cacti and potted plants. But when Kankuro started putting those ideas in Gaara's head - that the Hyuuga girl liked him, that she's a foreigner and aren't all the other girls you meet your subordinates, anyway? (and that if you don't make a move, you're going to die a virgin, don't come crying to me) - there was nothing left but for the poor guy to _act_. Temari watched, with varying amounts of bemusement and horror, as Gaara clumsily tried to woo the Hyuuga girl, stalking her and cornering her with such smooth and suave statements as, "Kankuro says you are interested in me romantically. Is this true?"

Oh, it was painful - the whole thing was painful! - watching Gaara, who in all other matters was a shrewd and calculating force, try desperately, almost pathetically, to deal with his emotions. ("I think Kankuro was mistaken," Gaara said one night. If she wasn't his sister, she would have mistaken his dejection for something more sinister.)

Of course, Kankuro was right, and that brought about a whole other set of problems.

The first night, Temari didn't even know the Hyuuga girl was inside the compound. Walking to the kitchen for a drink of water, she just happened to pass by Gaara's bedroom door. The corridor was dark; everything was silent. And then...

"_...oh._"

Temari's head snapped to attention. There was a rustle, the slightest creak in the wood; slowly, Temari crept toward Gaara's room. There was a soft light under the crack in the door, and occasionally a shadow or two would flit past. Temari stepped closer.

"_Ano, ano...g-g-gaara, I, I, OH!_"

And then she heard her brother grunt in response, and at that moment Temari rushed toward her bedroom where she tried not to throw up.

xXx

.

Apparently it wasn't even the first time they'd slept together. The first time, apparently neither of them had the slightest clue what they were doing; it was the blind leading the blind to Gaara's bed, and the two of them ended up playing an awkward game of "How Does This Thing Fit?". Given the Hyuuga's inability to articulate and Gaara's silent often murderous fits of frustration, Temari could only begin to imagine what _that_ first night must have been like. Something less than magical, she'd wager.

xXx  
.

Temari was in the kitchen, making herself a bowl of cereal, when she accidentally overheard the following conversation:

Gaara was at the table and Hinata was sitting opposite him. Hinata was blushing. "I accidentally saw the neighbors outside," Hinata said. "I didn't mean to spy, but when my _Byakugan_ is active, I see everything."

Okay. That didn't make any sense, but Temari was still intrigued. She pretended to study the box of cereal.

"They were....they were doing it...sitting _up_," Hinata whispered. Temari paled. She glanced back at Gaara, who didn't seem to notice that she was there. That always seemed to be the case when the Hyuuga girl was around. "It...it looked..."

_...fun? _Hinata flushed even harder.

"Do you want to try it?"

Gaara was staring straight at Hinata, his face an expressionless mask. The girl stuttered, stupidly. "Ano...maybe. If you want?"

"I suppose we can think of it as training," Gaara mused. "In _taijutsu_, when you master a move you prepare yourself to learn the next. We can think of this as a natural progression."

Temari tried to stifle the bile rising in her throat.

"Hey, where's the milk?" Kankuro said. Temari ignored him and glanced back at Gaara, who was giving the Hyuuga girl that _look_.

Temari was used to exactly three looks from Gaara: Murderous Rage, Murderous Intent, and Murderous Frustration With Varying Degrees of Murderous Yet Subdued Anger, the latter being more prominent now that he was Kazekage and without a demon in his head. But now? He was looking at her with what can only be expressed as _lust_, or love, or if you're the Kazekage's sister, something decidedly _not_ murderous _or_ vengeful. The whole thing was entirely too disconcerting to comprehend. Kankuro snapped his fingers.

"Temari," Kankuro said. He snapped his fingers again. "Hello? Earth to Temari? You in there?"

Temari blinked. "What?"

"The _milk._ Where's the milk?" Kankuro repeated.

Temari growled.

"In the fridge, moron. Find it yourself," Temari said.

xXx

.

For all his talk, Kankuro manfully tried to avoid the subject. It wasn't until Temari cornered him in the livingroom that Kankuro finally gave in. "What? Jesus, he got a fucking girlfriend, give the guy a break, will you?"

"How is this not bothering you?" Temari said. "They're doing it like a pair of howler monkeys, every night I hear them banging away at each other, and could you _please_ not roll your eyes at me, it's hardly decent!"

"Tch. Like you're one to talk. Weren't you the one banging away at that Nara kid at the last mission?"

"I--that's different!" Temari said.

"Uh huh."

"No--shut up! Stop changing the subject!" Temari said.

"Pot calling the _ket-tle_," Kankuro said, _sotto voce_.

"You're not the one whose room is next door," Temari said. "You're not the one hearing them talking about sex positions while you're trying to eat breakfast!"

"Uh, I'm not the one eavesdropping," Kankuro said. "And don't you think maybe Gaara noticed? Maybe he's doing that on purpose to rile you up."

Temari snorted. "Gaara is the Kazekage. I think that's a little beneath him."

"You'd be surprised."

"Idiot," Temari said.

It was useless trying to talk to Kankuro.

xXx

.

That night, Temari thrashed in her sleep. Throwing off the covers, she stalked down the corridor and stopped outside Gaara's room. Softly, she could hear a faint, indistinct thudding on the wall.

"_Oh, oh, oh, oh..._"

Temari gritted her teeth. She _hated_ the Hyuuga girl's voice. It was too fucking high-pitched, too fucking young-sounding, it made her brother sound like he was banging a five-year-old, and what the _hell_ were they doing, have sex at 3 o'clock in the morning? Didn't decent people _sleep_ at this hour?

(Then it occurred to her that Gaara didn't really sleep. He _rested_. But Gaara didn't have a demon now, so the fact remains! 3 AM! Sex! Not sleeping!)

Temari was pissed. PISSED. She banged on the door.

"Gaara!" Temari said.

The thudding stopped. Temari pounded louder. "Gaara!"

She could hear it: a shifting, sounds of rushed confusion, the rearranging of bed clothes. She heard the distinct _Oomph_ of Gaara slinging his gourd of sand over his shoulder and footsteps rushing toward the door.

_Shit_, Temari thought. _He thinks there's an emergency. Shit shit shi-_

The door opened. "What's wrong?" Gaara was already in a state of alert.

Temari was poised somewhere between Righteous Indignation and Mortal Fear that Gaara would somehow slip back into his old pre-pubescent psychotic state and sand-jutsu her head off right there. Temari peered around his shoulder and saw the Hyuuga girl sitting on the bed, hands in her lap and looking thoroughly...ravished? Not so ravished? Disappointed?

"Temari," Gaara said.

Temari blinked. "Huh?"

Gaara's eyes narrowed. Hello, murderous rage. "Is something wrong?"

"Uh..." Temari blanked. She wished she had her fan. With her fan, Temari was almost as good as Gaara was, and wouldn't his chakra be almost used up by now, what with his marathon sex sessions and his stupid Hyuuga girlfriend looking all innocent and everything? "Nothing, it's just...."

Gaara's eyes narrowed into slits.

The Hyuuga girl stood up.

Temari and Gaara turned. Hinata blushed, then crept up bashfully behind him, pressing a hand to his arm.

"Ano...hi. S-sorry. Did we wake you?"

Temari's eyes widened. "I--"

Gaara looked like he was going to have a heart attack. Hinata blushed. "I'm sorry," Hinata said. "It's just...it's just that we only see each other when I have a mission passing through the Sand, and...and we miss each other a lot. And...and I...I didn't think we were being that loud..."

Hinata blushed harder. Temari swallowed.

"No, it's fine," Temari said. She glanced back at Gaara, then back at the Hyuuga girl, whose face was red like a tomato. "Well...goodnight, then."

Temari turned and practically ran back to her room.

xXx

.

The next morning, Hinata left to head back to Konoha; she had already been late reporting back to the Hokage, and though Tsunade-hime was notoriously lenient when it came to matters of the heart, Hinata didn't want to risk incurring her wrath by staying away too long. "After the next mission, I might request a two-week leave," Hinata said. She and Gaara were holding hands and Gaara looked positively torn up. Kankuro touched Temari on the shoulder.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" Kankuro asked.

"Tch! Shut up, I want to know what they're saying!" Temari said. Kankuro rolled his eyes and returned to his bowl of fried rice.

At the compound gate, Temari watched as Gaara and Hinata hugged goodbye. It was so sickeningly platonic, Temari could have screamed. "What, you're expecting them to do it there, too?" Kankuro said.

The door closed; Temari and Kankuro turned and watched as their younger brother slunk dejectedly onto a chair. Temari pursed her lips. "You okay?" she asked.

Gaara closed his eyes and nodded. "I'm fine," he said. He didn't sound fine.

Temari felt like a jackass. She glanced at Kankuro, who raised his eyebrows as if to say, _I told you to leave them alone. Now look what you did_. Kankuro then cleared his throat and stood. "I'm heading out," Kankuro said. "Gonna chuck some kunai. Later."

Temari watched darkly as Kankuro started to leave.

Beside her, Gaara was now staring at the wall. His palm opened and closed, and she noticed he was absent-mindingly making a little eddy of sand twirl slowly in the air.

"Shouldn't you be going to a meeting or something?" Temari asked.

"Everything had been taken care of. I had cleared my schedule earlier."

"Oh."

Now Temari _really_ felt like a jackass. Gaara's eyes seemed more blank than usual; he stared dejectedly at the sand and the palm of his hand. Temari cleared her throat. "So, uh...how are things going between you two?"

Gaara's eyes flicked upward for the briefest second, then back down again to the little sand storm at his feet. "Fine."

It suddenly occurred to Temari that Gaara was a man of painfully few words. So much so that she suddenly had an epiphany: outside his role as Kazekage, Gaara was completely socially inept. For him, even simple greetings of "hello" or "goodbye" were difficult. She'd seen the way he struggled when he first courted the Hyuuga girl, the way he would just stare at her silently and then get angry at himself for not saying anything. If she were just another ninja, just another matter of border patrol protocol, she would have been much easier to handle. But she was an actual human being, so his interactions with her would naturally be a little...._off_.

Temari gritted her teeth. Of _course_ they'd be going at it like rabbits! It was the only way he could show her he loved her.

The guilt was simply too much.

"So...I guess I overreacted last night," Temari offered, lamely. "Look, I'm really sorry. I know you like spending time with her and I'm really sorry I made her leave," Temari said.

Gaara gave a small, noncommittal shrug. He kept staring at the floor.

Temari cleared her throat. "You guys are trying new positions, right?" Oh God, what the hell was Temari doing? "I overheard you guys the other morning. She said she saw the neighbors...?"

Gaara's head snapped up. There was murder in his eyes.

"You know, woman on top is a pretty good position," Temari babbled. "I mean, I'm a fan. Shikamaru doesn't always know what the hell he's doing, so sometimes it's nice to take control."

Gaara stood up, his Kage robes fluttering behind him.

"Hey, if you ever need any advice..."

The door slammed hard enough to knock the picture frame off the wall.

xXx

.

One month later, the Hyuuga girl was back: there was a Missing-nin that she and her team had tracked through the Wind Country, and naturally when the mission was over, she was able to visit. Temari watched from the corner of her eye as Gaara hugged her and took her by the hand.

That night, Temari walked purposefully down the corridor. Pausing by Gaara's door, she stopped and listened:

Nothing.

In fact, it wasn't unless she strained to hear that she could barely make out the faintest whisper of the Hyuuga girl's stiff breathing, or the faintest rustle of the bedsheets in her hands. Temari's mouth quirked. Maybe Kankuro was right. She _was_ just eavesdropping. If she wasn't actively listening for it, she wouldn't hear anything at all.

That night, Temari pulled up the covers. Tonight will be a good night, Temari mused. She wouldn't get in Gaara's way; she wouldn't make a fuss. They're both discreet and proper and Temari will do well to stay out of their personal business. Feeling pleased with herself, Temari slowly started to close her eyes.

And then....

"OH! OH! OH! YES! YES! _YES!_"

Temari's head practically snapped backwards.

Her bedroom wall was shaking; she could feel the vibrations from the wall. "OH! OH! OH!"

The next morning, hair frazzled and sticking in every direction, a very pissed off Temari rushed over toward Gaara's room; he was sitting on a chair, wearing a particularly _evil_ smile.

"Gaara," Temari said. She didn't care if he was the fucking Kazekage, she was going to _kill_ him. "Last night! What the fuck was that?"

Gaara rearranged his face into something resembling pure innocence, but it didn't entirely work. "I wouldn't know what you're talking about, Hinata and I stayed in Kankuro's room last night. I know it was an issue last time, so...."

There it was: that evil glint in his eye. Like the kind he got after a good kill. The color in Temari's face drained. "Then who...?"

Kankuro burst in through the doors, two dirty-blondes hanging over his shoulders. "Ladies! Ladies! Hey, there's only one of me, hold on!"

There was a ghost of a smile on Gaara's face. Temari wanted to smack that stupid look off of him.

"_Kankuro_!!!"

Kankuro looked up innocently. "What?"


End file.
